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The Realist vs. Thrust: topical


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Posted by Feeble Minded
topic: Hidden Undeneath
max lines, yall decide.. and agree...
verses due: friday
read rules thread.

Posted by Mr.Christensen
Max lines: 20?

Vote 1
Vote 2
Vote 3 (voted under name: Am At Cha)

Posted by Mr.Christensen
Hidden Underneath

Why should I suffer a consequence for my actions?
With a proper reaction, the beliefs won’t be fractioned
Felt this way from the dawn of the day she phrased
A response to my call, her voice remained engraved
To please her I would cut all the flesh, first a shave...

Her present affection was an athlete of high caliber
Her joyous laugher showed he was always after her
Had a flash of inspiration to black list his credentials
Sequential steps unfolded by proper use of a pencil
I could break her heart with a sharp well forged feat
So intricately unique, no one can identify me the cheat
I even chimed a greeting from the socially weak tree
I spent weeks being savage, time to establish step three...

Caught her alone, qualms withhold to start my walk
Palms are drenched, dry then start the ascend to talk
First I start be commenting on her attire and her plans
She understands where I stand, declines cause of a man
My tears unfold, my mask is shattered, I begin to speak
Everything is told, my soul is battered when her eyes see...

What’s Hidden Underneath

Posted by Thrust
Outskirts of my body show a glimpse of false and fiction
Revealing hints of tendernous and trustworthy visions
My intentions of my appearance mislead trespassers
I vary my pressence from being hard to an innocent bystander
Outside i'm kind, tender at heart and complimentary of others
When deep inside fatal intentions come from under cover
But hold back what i wish to provoke to anounce abruptly
But the cruelness is ceased to a mass of self-deficiancy
I let down myself, I can't speak what needs to be spoken
& if i do let it out, Peers are astonished w/ their hearts broken
Half way up... Nope i'm chokin, Can't even vomit it out
You need limbs a yard long to capture harmful things in this dark cloud
Referring to that statment, I'm hazzy tinted and full of precipitation
& look among the others... but hault before i release frustration
Adding up, Accumulating to a dizasterous outcome to burst
Swirrling winds hurl with thirst to humiliate the whole earth
But what's worse, Words can't express how i endure pain
I'm sure that's the reason i've continously held in the strain
So today's the day, My actions are what's revealing
When a train's whistles sounding...It's my body it's healing



*tonado comes and swipes all the fuckin bitches*

Posted by Am At Cha
umm votes?

Posted by Thrust
^damn you.. i forgot this was ur alias and got excited thinking some1 voted...lol

nice drop...

let's see what the voters say... if there is any!!!!!1

Posted by Lethargic
Token - I felt your verse needed more depth to it. Not a bad story overall. Could have used a bit more imagery/creativity. Flow was on point most of the time, with a slight wander here or there. Don't think this critique is harsh, I'm mainly pointing out the flaws without comments on the positive. It wasn't a bad verse by any means.

Thrust - You put too much stock into vocabulary. Flow was fairly choppy. Imagery was all over the place...meaning you had a lot of it, but it threw you around. Your lines didn't seem to connect as a piece. It seemed like this section went here...and then this next section went together, but the piece itself didn't seem like it all had the same focal point. I think you tried to put some depth in this piece, but I didn't feel like you fully achieved your goal. Sorry bud, just wasn't feelin this at all. I'm sure it wasn't a bad verse, it just didn't appeal to me.

Vote ~ TR

Posted by Feeble Minded
closed, realliest wins.

Posted by Mr.Christensen
umm im not token

Posted by Lethargic
Does it matter?

Oops?

Posted by DaT pImP 420
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Realist
Hidden Underneath

Why should I suffer a consequence for my actions?
With a proper reaction, the beliefs won’t be fractioned
Felt this way from the dawn of the day she phrased
A response to my call, her voice remained engraved
To please her I would cut all the flesh, first a shave...

Her present affection was an athlete of high caliber
Her joyous laugher showed he was always after her
Had a flash of inspiration to black list his credentials
Sequential steps unfolded by proper use of a pencil
I could break her heart with a sharp well forged feat
So intricately unique, no one can identify me the cheat
I even chimed a greeting from the socially weak tree
I spent weeks being savage, time to establish step three...

Caught her alone, qualms withhold to start my walk
Palms are drenched, dry then start the ascend to talk
First I start be commenting on her attire and her plans
She understands where I stand, declines cause of a man
My tears unfold, my mask is shattered, I begin to speak
Everything is told, my soul is battered when her eyes see...

What’s Hidden Underneath

This shit is deep stay up and keep rappin U da shit

Posted by Thrust
lol^

Posted by Mr.Christensen
good verse Thrust....i honestly thought you took it

but 1 vote is all we have to judge

Posted by FuE-xIoN
^ I Agree......But Feeble Forgot To Close This So Im Not Sure If I Should Vote....But I Will Anyway....

The Realist - Youve Come A Long Way From How You Used To Do Your Shit.....Sur. Taught You Well.....But...On To The Verse....You Had Nice Concepts And A Good Storyline To It.....But You Seemed To Lack Emotion....You Also Swayed Back And Forth From The Subject....I Guess Because You Broke Your Verse Up....You Had Nice Vocab And A Good Flow None The Less......Overall: 8/10

Thrust - I Agree With Leth. On The Chopiness.....But Once I Stuck To The Story And Really Started To Read It Better You Had A Nice Scheme And You Stuck To The Topic A Majority Of The Time....And Your Closer Was A Bit Better Than TR's...You Showed Plenty Of Emotion...And You Had Nice Imagery And Good Vocab.....Like I Said Before Your Flow Was A Bit Off...But Its All In The Reader When It Comes To Text....Overall: 8.5/10

Vote - Thrust