Rap Verse Forums - Defining Illness

My first drop.


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-- My first drop.
 
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Posted by Legendary
Well, I figured it was about time I put something of my own on here instead of just commenting about other peoples stuff. I'm definately interested in getting better at writing so if you don't like this then tell me why and how I could get better. There's no point in telling me you don't like it if you can't help me improve. So here it is..


Sometimes I wonder what if
I jumped of the Empire State Building and plummeted to the ground
Ending my entire fate, killing me off, without a sound
The single thing that stops me
Is that my family might have to identify the body
While I'm walking to the after life in a slow pace
I could hear my family yelling "Don't go, please wait!"
Or what if I continue to wander aimlessly
Nothing to do, no where to go, time wasting dangerously
Can I face these decisions plagueing me?
What if I ask for guidance from Someone greater than me?
Will this guy in the mirror stop hating me
if I find a path to follow faithfully?
What if I let myself breakdown?
Sink to the bottomless pit where I can't tell top from bottom or up from down
In that place 3 demons continuously haunt me
Could have, Would have, and Should have
These are not the last, but unfortunately the best of my company
And what if I did what I was thinking
Got up, brushed these problems off, and stopped my soul from sinking?
The thinking light hasn't started blinking strong
So I'll just try to tread water a little while longer.

I hope this one can even be thought of as half as good as the stuff I been reading on here lately. I'm not real sure about how this one flows, though. Some of the lines are kind of long and some are short. But I dunno, you all tell me..

Posted by DaGyrlRemarqabL
Sup Legendary..(still my new best friend..)
This was nice, had a sort of 'free write' vibe to it..Like you were just voicing your thoughts with a little rhyme to it. Thought-provoking content, the best kind in my eyes. You're right about the lines, one short one and then one really long one..makes the flow kinda hard to follow in some parts, but its not all about flow.
All around nice piece. Stay up n keep elevatin.
Peace.

Posted by MuhThugga
Work on your rhythm. It seemed to be off at places, but then again, maybe the way you say it the rhythm is perfect. I know that's the case with me 99% of the time. And when I say rhythm, I don't mean Iambic Pentameter bullshit, just write the words so that they flow.

Favorite section:
"In that place 3 demons continuously haunt me
Could have, Would have, and Should have
These are not the last, but unfortunately the best of my company"

I'll look foward o seeing how you elevate during your stay here.

Posted by Legendary
Hey, my new best friend ;) Thanks for the nice comments. I was kind of worried about putting something up here with all these other good writers. Yeah, I read the thing over and it was kind of hard to follow..and I wrote it. But thanks for responding :)

Posted by Legendary
MuhThugga, thanks for the response. I appreciate it. Especially since I haven't done the same for you on that dagger one you wrote.

Posted by PoorToRican
thanx

Posted by nunother
Ay, I'm glad you decided to drop cuz i like your style on this one...the ruggedness kept it interesting. The rhythm was "off", but it wasnt bad, it seemed like it was supposed to be that way- good job, keep doin what u do~

Posted by Legendary
Thanks for the comments, nun. I appreciate it.

Posted by Legendary
Looks like I have to up it. I'm hoping for more feedback...

Posted by Nicanda
nice drop. i agree with what's been said already, keep it up

Posted by Fo' Real
Good first drop, your poem came through clear and rough but understandable..... if that makes sense itsself :p keep up wot you do cos its looking good so far!, keep up good work looking forward to seeing more from you.
~out~

Posted by Legendary
Nicanda, thanks for the comments. Hopefully you'll keep posting in here and I'll learn a little somethign from you ;) You're definately a good writer.

Fo' Real, I'm glad you liked it :) I appreciate you reading it.

Posted by varentao
A strong, fairly well written venting piece to me..

...in a kind of structured (well for a venting piece) thought form...

...interesting and nicely done..

..resp....

Posted by Legendary
Thanks for the response varentao, I appreciate it. How you think I could get better?

Posted by varentao
Well this was a venting piece, so it's hard to like take it apart...

..but basically..er...maybe not worry as much about rhyming (thoug theres nothing wrong with it)...and maybe try to construct it better...you know, each line...word to word...being careful not to use unecessary words...especially ones like 'the' too often...it makes the flow more akward...

...that's all the critique i can give looking at this piece, as said before, it's venting...

...resp...